Sry I called you an 8
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
