I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
