I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
