I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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