Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
