Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
