we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
