DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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