the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
