Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
