i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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