Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
