Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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