Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
