State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
