Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
