My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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