Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
