So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
