I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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