if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
