Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
