What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
