Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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