It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
