I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
