omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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