I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
