i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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