OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
