it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
