I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
