So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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