Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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