Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
