I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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