Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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