theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I think your dad took our porno
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
