You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
