Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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