Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Houston, we have a blender
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
