This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Couch. On fire.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
