Ambien. No doubt about it.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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