obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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