I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
whose parrot is this?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
