I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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