Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
