why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
