Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.

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(440): View more from Ohio

so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce

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(323): View more from California

it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway

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(240): View more from Maryland

It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged

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(206): View more from Washington

It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!

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(936): View more from Texas

You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific

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(225): View more from Louisiana

So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?

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