Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
